Matrimonium

“And they were roommates,’ quoteth the famous Vine, the one you might remember if you are somewhere in the 15 to 30 age range who also spends too much time on the internet.  But as you may be able to guess, they were not just roommates.  Not in that story, and not in this one.

Car and Jer did begin as roommates, but it wasn’t for long.  They loved each other.  Not platonically, not romantically, not emotionally, not ironically, or literally.  They loved each other in the way that comes through texts, or through laughing fits, preceded by “oh my god”s.  The kind of love that only two college girls could have.

Car and Jer loved each other so much that they wanted to get married.  They wanted to get married in the pasta aisle in Safeway, because they both loved Safeway and they both loved pasta.  Well, neither loved Safeway more than any other store, but being in college with no car, it was the closest and therefore the best.  Neither loved pasta either, but again, being in college, it was the cheapest and therefore the best.  

Their best friend loved them too- not in the way that they loved each other, or pasta, or Safeway, or the thought of getting married, but enough that he wanted to do something for them.  It would be he that married them, because nobody else would do it, especially under such circumstances.  He did the only thing he could do- he became ordained as a minister.  You can do it for free, online, in under two minutes- a wondering combination of things for someone who, again, is in college and has little time, money, or rides to religious institutions.

With his newly ordained status, the friend took the lovelies to Safeway, and married them there in the place of their dreams.  Car and Jer had their honeymoon in the dorm room, eating pasta from that very aisle.  From there, they lived happily ever after, at least until they graduated and moved out of the dorms and said their last ‘I love you’s.”

The story does not end with such sweet words, however, because though words and memories are fading, the things you do on the internet are there to stay.  One day, ten years later, the ordained friend, one whole ceremony under his belt, is reminded by the ministry via email that his ordainment stands, and with it, the connection between the two girls that is ambiguously legally binding.  And so, he much reach out in the case that either Car or Jer decided to pursue matrimony outside of the tall aisles of pasta.  May he be successful.  

This story is only slightly fiction, as a reminder did come my way: