This story is the crossroads of a fan fiction, a shitpost, a meme, and a homage. The origins come from a now five-year old youtube video, and a comment from me with a massive 63 likes and four replies, likely desiring this very thing. Those of you who smashed that button and typed those letters, this is for you.
You may not understand, and ultimately, it’s better that you don’t. However, if you want to delve into the Origins of The Final Pam, start here.
Chapter 1: The Creator
As told by the almighty, Hodd Toward
Pam, Pam, Pam. You were my greatest creation. Greater than all the world around you. The most beautiful, the strongest, the most intelligent, and with chance always in your favor. And yet, you chose to settle, to adapt to the world, instead of having the world adapt to you. One day, I assumed, that you would become bored of such a life, such a world. I had all the time in the world, for I was the one who controlled time itself. The console. So, I waited. Watched. Pondered. Saw as you distracted yourself with countless worldly pleasures that would only fade with time, eventually leaving you behind in sorrow and solitude.
The world around you was changing, neither mine nor your influence. It was only as I had foresaw, expected, desired. The only thing left needing was a single… little… push.
The baby was crying. Shaun. The neighbor’s damn doorbell was always so loud, it must have woke him. The Smiths were always inviting people over, having parties and get-togethers, and yet not once had they invited us over for even a single backyard barbecue. Perhaps it was Hogan, my beautiful yet rough husband? The neighbors never could properly seem to speak with him. Despite his lack of conversational skills, the man was certainly a gentle giant.
But, oh, we can’t worry about the Smiths at a time like this. Tonight was the Veteran’s Dinner. Hogan and I were going to celebrate the retirement of one of his old superiors. I ducked out of the bathroom and decided to sooth the baby first. Shaun never needed much, and the robot was perfectly capable of taking care of his every infant need for a few hours. Oh, Codsworth, the good Mister Handy. Almost like a second husband- so caring, attentive, and certainly wonderful to look at. Alas, some lines are not to be crossed, this one being metal.
Hogan had somehow responded to the baby’s cries before I. Shaun’s tears had entirely ceased as well. That is, until the doorbell rang once again, this time the one within our domicile. I had heard of the business that the man beyond the door was touting- Vault Tech. His contraptions would save many people from an impending disaster. I agreed, having seen such disasters before- no harm being too safe.
However, the man’s presence was an omen, surely, for as soon as I bid him farewell and went to finish preparing, the sirens came. Hogan had the baby, and I had myself as we rushed outside. The promised vault at the end of the road awaited us. I felt what was coming, and then I saw it. The bright light, incomprehensible, followed by the mushroom cloud. We descended as all of what was good was wiped off the face of the planet.
Chapter 2: The Sonsband
As told by the bringer of new, Hodd Toward
I felt something concurrently with the force of the blast. It was her. And not just her, but her relationship with an outside force. The young Shaun, somehow sharing in her unique vitae. Half mortal, half… Pam. I knew that if the both of them were aloud to exist on the same plane, that I would be comparatively powerless. Luckily, it was the trash Hulk that cradled the boy that day. Pam succumbed to the restraints, and the actors of my will dealt with the child. Despite her incapacitation, it was almost as if she were somehow watching, attempting to reverse my actions. I felt as if the timelines were begging to shift, but in the end, time only aided in my subjugation of them. When Pam finally awoke, however, her mind was… different.
The cold had overtaken me, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew something was off. I… had seen it. Saw them come for my child. Killing my husband. Taking with them young Shaun. Who were they? It must… it must have been a bad dream. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a dream that was not of destruction… the destruction born of another life, long ago. I knew as soon as I was to awake, it would all be back to normal.
But it was not. In the cell of cold across from me and my own was a man. Not the one I recognized as my husband, Hogan. Was that his name? Whoever the average-sized man was, he was not anybody I knew, as he did not have my child. Deeper than that, I knew something was wrong. Something had changed, over how much time, only Hodd knows. But I had to get out. The Vault people, who where nowhere to be seen, had left contraptions to halt my progress.
Just at the verge of the exit back to the surface, however, I saw something that caught my eye- the good husband/son I knew so very well! I knew he was just fine. His six legs, hardened and roach-like exoskeleton, and dainty antennae were just as I remembered, Roachie being the faithful spouse/child as he was. He even had my wedding ring, how did he manage to get it upon himself? Beyond the heavy gate of that accursed vault was our freedom and return to our normal lives. It only took a fraction of my once locked-away power to open it.
I looked forward to the light, and back to my sonsband, but somewhere in between, something changed. Outside, the neighborhood and countryside I knew- desolate. Roachie was suddenly just one among the hundreds of overgrown roaches that had replaced the original bipedal inhabitants of the vault. When did it happen? How was I so blind? No, never could my eyes nor my mind betray me. It was Him.
The one who had once birthed both this vast open world, followed by myself, as he said, to do as I wished. If this were my world, why had it taken everything from me? But no- there was one last thing out there that was a part of me- Shaun.
Chapter 3: The Fallout
As told by the one who sees all, Hodd Toward.
For the following months, an impeccably dressed and savagely violent woman was spotted about the wastelands of the commonwealth. Those who survived such encounters with the woman recounted unimaginable horrors and impossible feats acted out by the femme fatale. The woman earned many names; Omega Susan, Phyllis the Unconquerable, The Indomitable One, Existence Eater, Ruin… but my creation could only ever bear one name: Pam, The Final. The only word heard uttered on her breath- Shaun.
Metal Husband. Child of Aluminum. Good Preston. Dog. The man of fake skin, Nick. I can only thank them and their puny minds for offering me reminder of what I was aiming for. As many times as I uttered the name Shaun, though, the only response was that his existence or whereabouts were a mystery.
I must also offer my graces to the rest of the wasteland for allowing me to remember what it was like to destroy. What a sensation. Those living among the filth, hoping to scavenge off whatever poor soul they could steal the life from. Not from me, certainly. The Mole Rats and the Gaping raider, Gristle. So many of their little friends, too. Even the deathclaw, with his wit and fangs so sharp. Strength, hunger, speed, I thought I had forgotten. But no amount of power could aid me in my search for Shaun. Not in a single inch of the wasteland could he be found. My mind cursed the thought that perhaps he was no longer with us. Perhaps… perhaps though… little Shaun had been extracted from this dimension. Such a thing could only be his doing.
If he could bring forth objects from not of this world, then perhaps I could conjure the same. Upon the tallest hill, I called out. Called to the void. Called his name. Shaun. And from the other side, it appeared. But it was not Shaun. It was hollow, stripped of anything that could be called worldliness. At that moment, I knew I could do no more to bring him back to me. But I knew he was watching. Observing. Waiting. And I would do anything to make him know that there was no turning back with me.
Chapter 4: The Inevitability
As told by the regenerator, Hodd Toward.
The World Began to change. By my hand it was not. Pam had surpassed my expectations. Her desire for the her lost connection to the mortals of the world dragged her closer to the framework of it. The seams, those of which I myself did not know, began to come undone. The underlying meaning and reason began to fall away. Pam was my antithesis- a god of destruction.
I myself could only create. I felt as if such a fact were my downfall- that I could not stop her through the means that she had long since mastered. Furthermore, anything I created could be undone in the blink of an eye. No novel recreation of her loved ones of mortal flesh would replace the one cast from the world in my folly. But there was a sole thing that connected us, bound us. Time.
Would Pam recognize it when all was done? When the clock was turned back, to a time before the fall? Before the world tooketh from her? Would she connect it to me? If she did, likely the only thing left after would be the void. Damned either way.
The Smiths were barbecuing. They didn’t invite us over, of course. We were going out that night to the Veteran’s Dinner, arguably a better time. Wait, was there something else happening? The baby began to cry. Hogan was preening himself for that night’s occasion. I took it upon myself to calm Shaun one last time before we were to leave.
The baby had already ceased by the time I had arrived in the hall. Codsworth was out in the kitchen, humming his metallic tune, so it couldn’t have been him.
Ah, of course, Roachie. Playing so nicely with his adopted son/brother. All as it should be…
Fifty Shades of Grease Publishing 